Sometimes I feel like God is tapping me upside the head, very gently. “Hey. I’m here. I’m listening. You can talk to me, you know…”
And then sometimes suddenly, unexpectedly He taps me upside the heart, when I’m definitely not expecting it, and all of a sudden I fall apart during a particularly sappy/charismatic song. Yes, me of the Gregorian chant and the mysteries of the East and the Great Doxology and etc. “Do not be afraid I am with you” suddenly hits me. I cried to the point that I was reaching for tissues but realised I didn’t have any. So, I ducked out to fix myself, which took a few minutes and I ended up missing the Consecration in the process as I was still pulling myself together in the bathroom… oops. That was decidedly not cool, but I had seriously hit the point where I was a distraction to myself and others and I did HAVE to leave. But I sorted myself out to the point that I could go back up to the church directly after the Consecration and receive etc. At which point I almost had another meltdown. Sometimes I hate being me. I really don’t have any kind of nervous hysteria usually and I am firmly resolved to never cry in uniform but I honestly don’t know what brought all of that on.
Maybe I do. “Do not be afraid I AM with you”. Intellectually it’s possible to know that God is everywhere- present in all places and filling all things as the liturgy says. But how often do we think about that? When I’m having a bad moment it almost _never_ occurs to me that God is right there with me. Because I tend to think of God the Father as a stern judge etc. sometimes I think I’d rather not have Him right there with me. And when something awful is happening it’s hard to see how a loving Father could let that happen, so I tend to assume I’m alone without even examining the thought. And even when I do take time and think “You know, I’m not really alone. God’s with me even in this” all I can think about is how insubstantial He seems to be at the moment in question when I could really do with a hug. But every so often, He’ll surprise me with a reminder that reduces me to tears of relief, I think, that I am not alone. I’m used to tears of sadness, frustration, anger, disappointment and very rarely exhaustion. I am not at all used to tears of relief that I am not on my own.
Showing posts with label self-help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-help. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Sunday, November 28, 2010
If you can't say anything nice...
Okay, so I'll prefix this with the warning that it is out of chronological order. The incident I'm talking about took place on Wednesday, but I still feel the need to blog about it so here goes.
So on Wednesday there was a frocking ceremony. For those unfamiliar with Navy ways, it means people get to wear their shiny new insignia but won't actually get paid for it until the great powers that be in Wherevertheheckistan feel like paying them. (I'm serious- sometimes it takes multiple phonecalls and several months!)
Anyway. It's a big deal, everyone's dressed to the eights, lots of clapping and 'job well done'-saying.
So I got there absurdly early to get a good seat and before the ceremony starts, I start overhearing a conversation behind me. I can't help it, it's just how I'm wired. If you put a cereal box in front of me and say "Don't read this", I'll still read it. It's like a reflex action. Likewise, hearing the conversation of other people if they don't actually make the effort for me to not overhear them... Not proud of this, it's just how my ears work.
~
She: Argh. It's so frustrating to see these people getting advanced! How many of them really know their jobs? They're going to go out to the fleet and get people killed because they think they know what they're doing and they don't have a lick of sense between every five of them! Argh!
He: Mumblemuble>toughjob.butIguessyou'reright.
She: It drives me nuts to see them just handed this! Anywhere else this MEANS something. Here, people get on my case because I'm _just_ a first class! They think I'm a screwup who could have made chief already >rant revealing obvious insecurities goes here<.
~
It was longer and more heart-felt than that, and what I heard on the plus side was that there is a very concerned first class who's worried about the future of the Navy. On the negative side... that wasn't the time or place for such a rant. It's a ceremony about recognizing and advancing these people for their hard work.
Yes, I know, some of them haven't done the job yet. But some of them have. I know some of them will take this 'easy' advancement and abuse the hell out of their shiny new insignia. But some of them won't. I know some of them are lousy sailors. But some of them aren't.
And that first class's comments were an attempt on her part to cheapen what was happening. It was neither the time nor the place for such commentary. If this was such an issue to her, why didn't she write someone who cared? Why did she have to bring her issues to their party?
I should have been up there. Bad luck and a bum calendar kept me from that. I know quite a few people in a similar situation. Some of them are a little bitter about it. I'm not. Honestly, when I get there, I'll be better prepared than I would otherwise have been. But my not being up there didn't mean I had a right to criticise those who were as being inexperienced or lacking in professionalism. The first class's behavior was unsat. Oddly enough, it did nothing to further her 'cred' in my opinion. Prior to her tirade, I saw her as an established professional in our field and someone who I could learn from, even if not in a mentor-protege type situation. I felt that I could just talk to her about what we do in our jobs and that would be fine. Now, knowing her unabashed opinion of some of her juniors, I realise that while she may be an established professional, I wouldn't really want her as a mentor and I'm not sure if I'd want to ask her questions. She'd probably say "Look it up already, slacker!"
Newsflash- if I'm asking a professional question it's because I've already done the research and can't find what I'm looking for.
Argh.
Anyway. We are all human. We all have our failings and our weaknesses and our bad days. But advancement ceremonies/weddings/birthdays/major holidays are times when we have to strive to put our personal feelings aside and think of the other people around us. We have smile and be nice even when we don't feel like it. If she'd said that same rant over dinner in a restaurant to a friend, or even in the parking lot afterwards, it wouldn't have seemed so off.
I don't want to be like that, ever. If I ever do something like that then call me on it, okay?
So on Wednesday there was a frocking ceremony. For those unfamiliar with Navy ways, it means people get to wear their shiny new insignia but won't actually get paid for it until the great powers that be in Wherevertheheckistan feel like paying them. (I'm serious- sometimes it takes multiple phonecalls and several months!)
Anyway. It's a big deal, everyone's dressed to the eights, lots of clapping and 'job well done'-saying.
So I got there absurdly early to get a good seat and before the ceremony starts, I start overhearing a conversation behind me. I can't help it, it's just how I'm wired. If you put a cereal box in front of me and say "Don't read this", I'll still read it. It's like a reflex action. Likewise, hearing the conversation of other people if they don't actually make the effort for me to not overhear them... Not proud of this, it's just how my ears work.
~
She: Argh. It's so frustrating to see these people getting advanced! How many of them really know their jobs? They're going to go out to the fleet and get people killed because they think they know what they're doing and they don't have a lick of sense between every five of them! Argh!
He: Mumblemuble>toughjob.butIguessyou'reright.
She: It drives me nuts to see them just handed this! Anywhere else this MEANS something. Here, people get on my case because I'm _just_ a first class! They think I'm a screwup who could have made chief already >rant revealing obvious insecurities goes here<.
~
It was longer and more heart-felt than that, and what I heard on the plus side was that there is a very concerned first class who's worried about the future of the Navy. On the negative side... that wasn't the time or place for such a rant. It's a ceremony about recognizing and advancing these people for their hard work.
Yes, I know, some of them haven't done the job yet. But some of them have. I know some of them will take this 'easy' advancement and abuse the hell out of their shiny new insignia. But some of them won't. I know some of them are lousy sailors. But some of them aren't.
And that first class's comments were an attempt on her part to cheapen what was happening. It was neither the time nor the place for such commentary. If this was such an issue to her, why didn't she write someone who cared? Why did she have to bring her issues to their party?
I should have been up there. Bad luck and a bum calendar kept me from that. I know quite a few people in a similar situation. Some of them are a little bitter about it. I'm not. Honestly, when I get there, I'll be better prepared than I would otherwise have been. But my not being up there didn't mean I had a right to criticise those who were as being inexperienced or lacking in professionalism. The first class's behavior was unsat. Oddly enough, it did nothing to further her 'cred' in my opinion. Prior to her tirade, I saw her as an established professional in our field and someone who I could learn from, even if not in a mentor-protege type situation. I felt that I could just talk to her about what we do in our jobs and that would be fine. Now, knowing her unabashed opinion of some of her juniors, I realise that while she may be an established professional, I wouldn't really want her as a mentor and I'm not sure if I'd want to ask her questions. She'd probably say "Look it up already, slacker!"
Newsflash- if I'm asking a professional question it's because I've already done the research and can't find what I'm looking for.
Argh.
Anyway. We are all human. We all have our failings and our weaknesses and our bad days. But advancement ceremonies/weddings/birthdays/major holidays are times when we have to strive to put our personal feelings aside and think of the other people around us. We have smile and be nice even when we don't feel like it. If she'd said that same rant over dinner in a restaurant to a friend, or even in the parking lot afterwards, it wouldn't have seemed so off.
I don't want to be like that, ever. If I ever do something like that then call me on it, okay?
Friday, May 14, 2010
Marriage, Babies, Growing Up
Okay. What precipitated this post was a seemingly endless stream of comments/status updates and whatnot on FB about people getting married or having babies, or in other strange ways being 'Grown Up'.
I have nothing against marriage, babies or growing up. I think these are all great things. Nor do I deny that anyone/everyone has the right to post whatever they please about any of these three. Yay, freedom of speech/net neutrality/whatnot.
I love my married friends. (MarineJoe and MarineWife! SailorD and Coriel! WriterJohn and EmilyPost!)
I love my married friends with kids. (MiniMaz! BB! SmallMark!)
I love my 'grown-up' friends! (Una! TeacherMatt!)
I just am starting to feel a bit out of the proverbial loop. I want marriage and kids and 'grownup' status (which for me means living in my own apartment with or without roommates, and having a car). I know I have a long way to go. I know God's plans for me are good. It's just hard to keep it in mind sometimes. It's hard to not get frustrated or angry or impatient. It's hard to wonder how much of your aloneness is your own fault and how much it's just the luck of the draw or divine providence. And I'm afraid that I'm failing to be properly thankful for the time I have right now to go out and do what I like until the wee hours, or to hone my writing skills, or to do other fun things without anyone accusing me of being selfish or not holding up my end of a relationship. How much am I missing out on the things that are appropriate to my station in life? How much time am I wasting watching TV or even just sleeping? What else could and should I be doing? Aside from studying of course.
Sometimes it's overwhelming. Like right now. Finals are in less than a month. I know what I need to do. I know I don't have much time in which to get the needed studying done. But in some very dangerous respects I'm finding it difficult to care. I have material success of a sort right now. I'm essentially being paid to go to school. I think up until now I've done an all-right job in keeping myself motivated. I've acknowledged that my job isn't all I've hoped for, that I don't have to like it, I just have to do it.
But I can't help but feel that if I was sharing my life with just one other person, it would be easier for me to deal with it all. Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't. I could see things being exponentially harder if I had a kid right now. But some selfish, materialistic, comfort oriented part of me wants someone to come home to every night. I want that so much I'm having trouble enjoying being single and that has got to stop!
I'm young! I have so much to live for! Why is it so much harder to go out there and live than you think it will be? It requires effort- requires rolling out of bed and getting dressed, and putting on a smile even if you don't feel like smiling and facing society at large. What a pain... But it's something you've got to do every so often or you go off the deep end. Besides as a writer I can't afford to isolate myself from the rest of humanity. The rest of humanity makes for great story material!
Wow... I've gotten a bit off topic.
Basically, the flaw I have here is jealousy. This is me recognising it, quantifying it and attempting to combat it. We'll see how it goes.
The next month or so will be insanely busy. I shouldn't have time to post. If I do, it means something is seriously wrong. If anyone reads this blog, say a prayer for me, okay?
Thanks....
I have nothing against marriage, babies or growing up. I think these are all great things. Nor do I deny that anyone/everyone has the right to post whatever they please about any of these three. Yay, freedom of speech/net neutrality/whatnot.
I love my married friends. (MarineJoe and MarineWife! SailorD and Coriel! WriterJohn and EmilyPost!)
I love my married friends with kids. (MiniMaz! BB! SmallMark!)
I love my 'grown-up' friends! (Una! TeacherMatt!)
I just am starting to feel a bit out of the proverbial loop. I want marriage and kids and 'grownup' status (which for me means living in my own apartment with or without roommates, and having a car). I know I have a long way to go. I know God's plans for me are good. It's just hard to keep it in mind sometimes. It's hard to not get frustrated or angry or impatient. It's hard to wonder how much of your aloneness is your own fault and how much it's just the luck of the draw or divine providence. And I'm afraid that I'm failing to be properly thankful for the time I have right now to go out and do what I like until the wee hours, or to hone my writing skills, or to do other fun things without anyone accusing me of being selfish or not holding up my end of a relationship. How much am I missing out on the things that are appropriate to my station in life? How much time am I wasting watching TV or even just sleeping? What else could and should I be doing? Aside from studying of course.
Sometimes it's overwhelming. Like right now. Finals are in less than a month. I know what I need to do. I know I don't have much time in which to get the needed studying done. But in some very dangerous respects I'm finding it difficult to care. I have material success of a sort right now. I'm essentially being paid to go to school. I think up until now I've done an all-right job in keeping myself motivated. I've acknowledged that my job isn't all I've hoped for, that I don't have to like it, I just have to do it.
But I can't help but feel that if I was sharing my life with just one other person, it would be easier for me to deal with it all. Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't. I could see things being exponentially harder if I had a kid right now. But some selfish, materialistic, comfort oriented part of me wants someone to come home to every night. I want that so much I'm having trouble enjoying being single and that has got to stop!
I'm young! I have so much to live for! Why is it so much harder to go out there and live than you think it will be? It requires effort- requires rolling out of bed and getting dressed, and putting on a smile even if you don't feel like smiling and facing society at large. What a pain... But it's something you've got to do every so often or you go off the deep end. Besides as a writer I can't afford to isolate myself from the rest of humanity. The rest of humanity makes for great story material!
Wow... I've gotten a bit off topic.
Basically, the flaw I have here is jealousy. This is me recognising it, quantifying it and attempting to combat it. We'll see how it goes.
The next month or so will be insanely busy. I shouldn't have time to post. If I do, it means something is seriously wrong. If anyone reads this blog, say a prayer for me, okay?
Thanks....
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Happy New Year!
From the aftermath of a southern wedding!
Hello dear unlikely readers of this humble blog! I have been to a wedding today! And I have learned a great deal! I have learned the following in particular:
_ A reception doesn't have to have dancing to be a success.
_ If you don't put wedding favours at the individual plates people won't realise that they are in fact favours and will instead confuse them for inedible/non-take home decorations.
_ You never know who will share your taste in clever television.
_ A guest book is a good idea, so you can get all your guests' addresses and mail them thank you notes.
_ Be tactful at all times, you never know who's where.
_ What a person doesn't know won't hurt them.
_ If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
_ Always pack something a little dressy (case in point, almost forgot to bring my skirt. Would have been a bad, bad mistake!)
_ If a saleswoman says you can fit a certain size just fine and you doubt it, haggle and insist on getting your way for the money you're spending on it!
_ If you are going solo, make sure you have good single friend who you can vent to and who can keep you in check when the estrogen hormones do their silly little dances.
New Years Resolutions
1. 1.5 mile in 14.00. (Let's not be too ambitious.)
2. Greater charity towards all. (A nice, vague goal.)
3. Good grades. (3.7 and better?)
4. Freedom from the past. (What does this even mean?)
5. Think happy thoughts.
6. Pray more often.
7. Something totally awesome to make up for my otherwise lame NYs Resolutions.
And all that said, I'm going to retire for the night at a mere 8 o'clock after being dress-coded. I have an early day tomorrow, and a weirdly long flight. Hope I can keep my brain in gear!
Hello dear unlikely readers of this humble blog! I have been to a wedding today! And I have learned a great deal! I have learned the following in particular:
_ A reception doesn't have to have dancing to be a success.
_ If you don't put wedding favours at the individual plates people won't realise that they are in fact favours and will instead confuse them for inedible/non-take home decorations.
_ You never know who will share your taste in clever television.
_ A guest book is a good idea, so you can get all your guests' addresses and mail them thank you notes.
_ Be tactful at all times, you never know who's where.
_ What a person doesn't know won't hurt them.
_ If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
_ Always pack something a little dressy (case in point, almost forgot to bring my skirt. Would have been a bad, bad mistake!)
_ If a saleswoman says you can fit a certain size just fine and you doubt it, haggle and insist on getting your way for the money you're spending on it!
_ If you are going solo, make sure you have good single friend who you can vent to and who can keep you in check when the estrogen hormones do their silly little dances.
New Years Resolutions
1. 1.5 mile in 14.00. (Let's not be too ambitious.)
2. Greater charity towards all. (A nice, vague goal.)
3. Good grades. (3.7 and better?)
4. Freedom from the past. (What does this even mean?)
5. Think happy thoughts.
6. Pray more often.
7. Something totally awesome to make up for my otherwise lame NYs Resolutions.
And all that said, I'm going to retire for the night at a mere 8 o'clock after being dress-coded. I have an early day tomorrow, and a weirdly long flight. Hope I can keep my brain in gear!
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