4 Year Anniversary (Approximately)

So I was feeling a little out of sorts recently, nothing big just a nagging feeling of depression/anxiety/ick. And it occurs to me that maybe I shouldn't be blogging this. But I'm going to keep Auntie Seraphic's maxim in mind, this will be something that could be read at my funeral with hopefully the minimum of embarrassment to the living. And then I remembered. Approximately four years ago I graduated (better people than I can remember the exact date- I'm going with 'it was June'). That seems like a million years ago and no time at all, all at once. It's very, very strange. And of course when I started thinking about graduation a wealth of memories came up. It's so strange to think that one of the happiest days of my life was followed by one of the saddest/most frustrating (NB: I realise that this is not THE saddest day of my life and nor is it likely to ever be among the top five. I'm reserving those spots for the death of loved ones etc, but take it from me, it was/will be probably in my top ten). I felt like my world had bottomed out and there was nothing I could do. I went from having a plan and direction and a sense that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing to 'world-bottomed-out' in less than 24 hours, with a longer term and indirect result in my current career path. I'm trying to think of what I can take away from this that's profound, but I'm having trouble. I suppose the simplest and most obvious take-away is that the world didn't end. It was lousy for a little while, I was semi-homeless for a little while, and it took me about 6 months from world-bottomed-out to swearing-in. My second take-away from the whole mess is that I have very good friends. When I needed it most, I had friends who gave me sound advice, friends who gave me a place to stay or a lead on a place to stay, and friends who prayed for me that I might figure out what the heck I was supposed to do with my life. Four years later, I still can't thank all of you enough. I don't know what I would have done without you all. I don't want this post to be anything more or less than a sort of placeholder. I remember what happened. I try to remember it as objectively as possible which isn't ever easy. But this post isn't meant to be a sad/angry rant OR a 'Everything's Great Now' post. It's just a post.

DADT Repeal: Rant

So much to say, so little inclination to actually write....argh. Okay, here goes...

Regarding DADT, its recent repeal and the implications of aforementioned repeal

I wish I could give some people at the highest levels of my chain of command a small piece of my mind. I wish I could give them a deck-plate view (I used deck-plate therefore I am steeped in Navy traditions..), but they clearly aren't interested in getting it. Not once in all the media hype and coverage surrounding this 'historic' event that I have seen, has anyone interviewed a literate, currently-serving member of the armed forces who is opposed to the repeal of DADT.
On the whole, the armed forces have been portrayed as anywhere from apathetic to whole-heartedly enthusiastic about an instant repeal of DADT...
To my fellow servicemembers who approve of the repeal: think of the GMTs, people. If NOTHING else, think of the hours of your life that you will never get back doing GMTs (sensitivity training/annual training/'awareness' training for you civilian readers). Don't we already have enough GMTs to do?
If that doesn't motivate you, little will.

Here's a thought, Washington and Assorted Brass- the reason why you didn't get most of those surveys you sent out back is because the vast majority of us are too damn busy doing our jobs to fill out anything that won't directly affect our pay, housing or access to food. You think I'm joking but I'm not. If you REALLY wanted to know what everyone thought, you'd send that damn survey to every single servicemember out there and make it MANDATORY to return it. 100% contact. We do that with NMCRS donation forms every year. It can be done. You won't do it though, because the news will be depressing. I heard somewhere that about forty percent of Marines surveyed said they won't re-up. I'd say probably half that number are not in a financial position to decide that- but that their numbers will be made up for by people who haven't yet realized the full impact that the repeal of DADT will have.

Here's what I want and what I won't get- I want to get out and keep my bonus money and my GI bill because I signed up for a different Navy. People who disagree with my point of view may say "Get out, we can't get rid of your bigoted kind fast enough."
My answer? I have some very specialized skills that I'm taking with me as I leave. To train up my replacement will take you two years, minimum. My departure will impact mission readiness. But if it was free pass to get out, I know I wouldn't be the only one to take it.

But that won't happen. I'll grind my teeth and fulfill my contractual obligation. I'll be damned if I re-up though.

Now I'm done shooting my mouth off.
Bring it on.

A Mess of Contradictions

Because I'm human. I'm a Trad who wears pants. I'm a Gregorian chant lover who listens to metal. I'm spiritually aware enough to know that I was at the back of the line when awareness was being handed out. I'm right handed but I do random stuff left handed.

I will not be put in a box and classified according to someone else's definition of who or what I am. I will not compromise. I will not lower my standards. I will not be consumed with regret about the past or with fear about the future. I was created by a loving God Who has a good plan for me. To Him, I am beautiful and special. That should be all that I need. I will never forget my dreams, even if I have to put them aside for a while. I will strive to keep a clear head in the present and to do my job to the best of my ability at all times and in all places. I will accept my current limits and love myself while striving to improve myself. I will learn from the past, but I will not allow it to hurt me. I will seek to know God's will in my life and to carry it out.

A Stopover in the Midwest and up-date like things

I am still kind of in disbelief about passing my finals. It's over with. It's done. It was HARD. The second one was killer. On the break I felt sick to my stomach. I felt like it was a done thing and not in a good way at all. I was pretty sure I wasn't going to pass. My head hurt, my eyes hurt and I just wanted to be done. I wanted to go back in and answer all the remaining questions 'c'. But I didn't. I made myself take the whole break, then refocus. And I was there until the last five minutes and the last few questions were very, very hard to sit through. I did some serious educated guessing. But I made it. Non nobis, Domine!
Now all I have to worry about is re-certifying in a year... yipee...
So, then followed the epic packing out of DOOM. I'm gradually becoming more convinced that I was doing it wrong in some respects. Hindsight being what it is, I should have looked into getting a car a LOT sooner, but I didn't. And honestly, if what I am hoping for works out, it'll all be okay. I honestly don't see how I could have done things much differently. If I hadn't listened to TBro, I would have gone ahead and made plans to buy MarineWife's car a lot sooner. And then there wouldn't be this down-to-the-wire worry. But there is. And that's that.
Honestly sometimes I feel like if my life was going really smoothly and trouble-free I would start worrying that I was in a coma or a snow-globe world.
As far as all that goes though, my life has gotten a lot easier in some respects since I joined the Navy. Some people would say that the military gives you discipline. This is completely untrue. I know a lot of undisciplined people in the military. I'd say it would be more accurate to say that if you want to put your life in order, the military might help give you a framework in which to do so. If that makes sense. It's the difference between someone standing over you and shouting at you to clean your room and put everything on shelves and you being given a clean room with shelves and being told to have at.
I'm definitely in favour of the 'there are shelves but you actually have to have the inclination to shelve your books' school of thought. And some people would object, saying that if you have weekly inspections, you might as well have someone standing over you and shouting at you about cleaning your room but that's not really true.
There was something else I was going to say here but I can't remember what it was. All I can say is that I'm grateful for the shelving. Shelving is good.
As far as getting a car sooner... I know I am at the upper end of the average age of first-time car buyers, but oh well. I lived in the suburbs growing up, I lived out of the country for a while and I didn't get my full license until I was nineteen or twenty. These things happen. I'm not that weird. Really, in the past year and some change I have had no pressing and urgent need to get a car. The town I was living in had a better than decent public transit system, and the town itself was within walking distance from where I lived and safe to walk around. Occasionally I needed to get further afield and while I hate being dependent, I had a friend I could ask for a lift, or I could borrow or rent a car. I saved myself lots of money and was able to put a lot towards my student loan. That was really important. I'd go so far as to say that was the priority as far as spending money went.
Sometimes, I was irritated by what I saw going on around me. I know of not one but two fellow sailors (both younger and male) who went through two cars in their time there. What the heck?! I don't have the money to get into that kind of trouble! Granted, the one guy had a tree fall on his car so it wasn't entirely his fault, but still...
When I get something, I try to take care of it, and I try to use it until it is no longer usable. I realise that this isn't always possible. Trees happen, accidents happen, but I really try to conserve my resources. And as for the 'car-free living' types, I admire them but the ones who are living outside of a major metro area are deluding themselves if they think that the vast majority of Americans are ABLE to give up their cars. I know I don't really want a car, but by all accounts I will need to have one. Everything is so far apart that I apparently have no choice. And unlike Sunny Point, the base I am going to does not have an on-base bus system. This makes me very sad.
Wow... this post is getting to be kind of long... Maybe I should make it in two parts? Nah...
So anyway. Here I am in the Midwest's 'Biggest Small Town' (I think that's what they call it). Honestly I have missed it. There are nice places around here. Oh- and they have a bus system here which works well on weekdays but not so much on weekends. And the schedule is kinda hard to find. But anyway. I like it. I've kind of missed it. And I got to do some TAD here which was nice. Not hard at all. I really enjoyed it. Kinda sad I'll never actually get to be a recruiter. I think I'd like it, but I could be completely wrong. Having to deal with people day in and day out and the perpetually reputation my job would have for being dishonest might really get to me after a while.
What else?
Oh yes... upcoming wedding! The much anticipated nuptials of Tbro and May!
Man, I have never felt like more of a fifth wheel in my life..l. The parents are flying in today, and the happy couple is insanely busy. Tonight they have dinner with one of May's relatives. I'm cool with that. The parents are probably going to get their own dinner, then head to their hotel room. The parents want me to stay with them, and honestly Tbro's couch has been sufficient for me until now but it is getting a little old to wake up around three AM because the cushions are coming apart and I am falling into the middle of the couch... And Tbro wants me out of the house by Thursday night. I understood Friday night, and I guess I'm okay with Thursday night, and I may even just do him a favour and leave Wednesday night to stay with the parents. It can't be all bad if Uncle Alighieri and LittleA are going to be in town. Perhaps we could take LittleA mini-golfing?
I just feel pretty useless right now. The groom's family has always struck me as being... not exactly superfluous but not nearly as important as the bride's family. Perhaps this is my bias as having only ever been part of the bride's party. The groom's family has in my mind until now been the rehearsal dinner providers and that's about it. Well, now I'm part of the groom's family and am part of the bride's party only insofar as I will be wearing a dress. A green and pink dress. If I have any readers at all, and if they know me IRL, I really don't need to say anything more.
This is May's big day. I'm really happy for her and Tbro both. They are a lot smarter and more ready than a lot of people give them credit for. I really hope for the best for them. I think they will be happy for a very long time. They know what they're getting themselves in for. The first five years will have their moments of utter frustration, but they'll work through it and everything will be fine. I am very, very happy for them!
About the only thing I can honestly say I'm not thrilled about is that I know that Tbro will immediately equate marriage with instant maturity and at every possible opportunity will say something like "As a married man, I think you ought to..."
Which will be really irritating. But despite that, I'm happy for him.
And I'm going to be more alone than ever before. Tbro will have grownup status in our parents' eyes anyway. He is definitely no longer a kid as far as they're concerned. But me- three years older? I'm still a kid, sort of, and not in a good way. Occasionally Dad, who knows exactly how much money I make per month, helps me out a bit. And I appreciate that more than I can properly say. I'm not really a dependent any more, I file my own taxes and I have my own insurance, but I'm definitely not about to say no to a little help here and there. But I'll take the help. I won't take much else, especially from Mom, but that's neither here nor there.
And my closing thoughts for this lengthy post will be... odd.
I can sometimes obsess on that 'could have been's and 'should have been's of both history in general and my life in specific. I vividly remember some turning points of my life- turning points that were completely out of my control. I look back on them and wonder how my life would have been different or better (or worse) if things had gone the way I planned before my plans were smashed to bits. Most of the time, I try to avoid thinking about these things. I find them upsetting and I know it's not much use to dwell on the could haves. But then I follow a train of thought like this.
If I hadn't gone to summer camp, I wouldn't have met KTQ. If I hadn't met KTQ, I would never have visited the Midwest. If I'd never visited the Midwest, my parents would probably never have gotten up the interest in the diocese to move out here. If they hadn't moved out here, Tbro would never have met May and they wouldn't be getting married this coming Friday. When I think about things like that, I shiver a little because I think about plans I had that didn't make it. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it would have all ended in disaster. But I wish I knew.