Okay. What precipitated this post was a seemingly endless stream of comments/status updates and whatnot on FB about people getting married or having babies, or in other strange ways being 'Grown Up'.
I have nothing against marriage, babies or growing up. I think these are all great things. Nor do I deny that anyone/everyone has the right to post whatever they please about any of these three. Yay, freedom of speech/net neutrality/whatnot.
I love my married friends. (MarineJoe and MarineWife! SailorD and Coriel! WriterJohn and EmilyPost!)
I love my married friends with kids. (MiniMaz! BB! SmallMark!)
I love my 'grown-up' friends! (Una! TeacherMatt!)
I just am starting to feel a bit out of the proverbial loop. I want marriage and kids and 'grownup' status (which for me means living in my own apartment with or without roommates, and having a car). I know I have a long way to go. I know God's plans for me are good. It's just hard to keep it in mind sometimes. It's hard to not get frustrated or angry or impatient. It's hard to wonder how much of your aloneness is your own fault and how much it's just the luck of the draw or divine providence. And I'm afraid that I'm failing to be properly thankful for the time I have right now to go out and do what I like until the wee hours, or to hone my writing skills, or to do other fun things without anyone accusing me of being selfish or not holding up my end of a relationship. How much am I missing out on the things that are appropriate to my station in life? How much time am I wasting watching TV or even just sleeping? What else could and should I be doing? Aside from studying of course.
Sometimes it's overwhelming. Like right now. Finals are in less than a month. I know what I need to do. I know I don't have much time in which to get the needed studying done. But in some very dangerous respects I'm finding it difficult to care. I have material success of a sort right now. I'm essentially being paid to go to school. I think up until now I've done an all-right job in keeping myself motivated. I've acknowledged that my job isn't all I've hoped for, that I don't have to like it, I just have to do it.
But I can't help but feel that if I was sharing my life with just one other person, it would be easier for me to deal with it all. Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't. I could see things being exponentially harder if I had a kid right now. But some selfish, materialistic, comfort oriented part of me wants someone to come home to every night. I want that so much I'm having trouble enjoying being single and that has got to stop!
I'm young! I have so much to live for! Why is it so much harder to go out there and live than you think it will be? It requires effort- requires rolling out of bed and getting dressed, and putting on a smile even if you don't feel like smiling and facing society at large. What a pain... But it's something you've got to do every so often or you go off the deep end. Besides as a writer I can't afford to isolate myself from the rest of humanity. The rest of humanity makes for great story material!
Wow... I've gotten a bit off topic.
Basically, the flaw I have here is jealousy. This is me recognising it, quantifying it and attempting to combat it. We'll see how it goes.
The next month or so will be insanely busy. I shouldn't have time to post. If I do, it means something is seriously wrong. If anyone reads this blog, say a prayer for me, okay?
Thanks....
